The Relational Triangle
The Work of Staying Close to Your Authentic Self
I’d like to share something with you that I often use in my sessions with clients, and that has also helped me better understand and change my own way of being in relation to others.
It is very common for many of us to to move between three points when we are in relation with others:
We are either 1. dominant (top of the triangle). And the other we are in relation with are either submissive or appeasing.
Or we are falling into 2. submissive behaviour (bottom right of triangle), when others are dominant, or we show 3. appeasing behaviour (bottom left) to defuse the “threat” from the dominant person.
This is automated behaviour, usually shaped by our early relational templates with caregivers and attachment figures. For example, if one of our primary caregivers tended to be dominant toward us, we may have learned that it felt safer to be submissive rather than to respond with dominance. Over time, our position in the triangle became submission — and this pattern often plays out again in important relationships later in adult life.
We can begin to notice and identify our own relational patterns. It might be interesting for you to reflect on your default way of reacting when faced with dominant behaviour. By “dominant behaviour,” I don’t only mean aggression — it could simply be being in front of a person of authority (your boss, the police, another official) or a parent, partner, or friend who is showing overpowering tendencies.
The work is to step out of this triangle and stay close to your authentic self, even in the face of dominance or challenge. Ask yourself the question- How can I hold on to my authentic self in the challenge of dominance, rather than challenging the other for dominance or going into submission?
We are in our authentic self when we are both vulnerable and powerful — and we can see that same possibility in the other person. In this place, we meet as equals.
In this state:
I can be safe and solid.
I can have certainty in the room.
I can manage shame.
Generosity shapes the way I understand you.
I am connected to my inner self.
I hold healthy boundaries.
I have agency.
Why do we sometimes stay in this triangle, or in relationships that are not healthy for us?
Sometimes we are not sure of our Self. We are disconnected from it, and we only ‘feel’ ourselves when we are in relationship with others. We are not sure about our preferences, boundaries, values, who we are, what we stand for. The self is there but we are disconnected from it. Asking someone to leave an (unhealthy) relationship who doen’st have a good, solid sense of self can be threatening. It feels better for us to stay in the triangle. For some this can actually work as long as they are safe and the other person also does the work and has some self-awareness around their behaviour. I recommend to keep doing the work of staying close to your authentic self. Explore, journal, educate yourself on what is the authentic self, how can I hold healthy boundaries, how can I stay solid in the face of dominance, how can I have certainty in the room etc. and slowly over time you’ll notice little shifts and changes, who will ripple out into your relational field around you. You’ll be able to stand up for yourself from a place of vulnerability, power and generosity.
Get in touch to inquire about coaching or somatic counselling sessions.
Email: wiebke@wiebkequeisser.com.au
Call: 0405 945 748
